To Change One's Self

First Reading:

“I often had to recognize that the need "to do something special" was born of a restless spirit. Such persons wanted to dedicate themselves to larger tasks because those that lay nearest did not satisfy them. Often, too, it was evident that they had been brought to their decisions by quite secondary considerations. Only a person who can find a value in every sort of activity and devote himself to each one with full consciousness of duty, has the inward right to take as his object some extraordinary activity instead of that which falls naturally to his lot. Only a person who feels his preference to be a matter of course, not something out of ordinary, and who has no thought of heroism, but just recognizes a duty undertaken with sober enthusiasm, is capable of becoming a spiritual adventurer such as the world needs. There are no heroes of action: only heroes of renunciation and suffering. Of such there are plenty. But few of them are known, but even these not to the crowd, but to the few.”

--Albert Schweitzer, Out of my Life and Thought

“Transforming Oneself to Transform Others”

~ Tenzin Priyadarshi Shukla, MIT Buddhist Chaplain and Director, Dalai Lama Center for Ethics and Transformative Values

When Bob Randolph asked me to speak on “If I could change one thing about…”, I was reminded of an old story, in which a king of a certain kingdom is disgusted by the fact that every day, he returns from the streets of his kingdom with dirt on his feet. He soon pronounces that the entire ground should be covered in leather. People begin to work on it, and quickly they begin to run out of leather and need to import it from far-off lands. It becomes an expensive and futile project. As it often happens in such stories, a wise man appears in the court and tells the king to try covering his feet in leather, easily solving the king’s problem. Thus shoes are introduced to civilization!

Often times we are overtly focused on changing external things to find satisfaction and happiness. It is easy to do. Change a small TV for a big one, a small house for another one, a car for a preferred updated version, and we don’t even shy away from changing life partners after a time. Three houses, three cars, and two spouses later we still find ourselves dissatisfied and unhappy. The only constant factor in this entire process has been our own delusional mind that we fail to reflect upon. One should begin with a simple query: “When was the last time I upgraded myself?” This is more than acquiring new skill sets. It is about becoming a better version of ourselves than we were in previous days, month and years. In this manner we should upgrade our mind daily by eliminating negativities such as anger, hatred and greed, and by strengthening positive attributes such as kindness, clarity, fearlessness and compassion. Soon the world around us will change because our attitude and perspective on things have evolved courtesy of this new “upgraded” mind.

Our mind informs our thoughts and action including speech, the way in which we communicate. All of this is highly contagious. If you are sad and miserable then people around you will be sad and miserable. If you are genuinely happy then people around will be inspired by that sense of happiness. In this way we quietly inspire and change the people and situations around us. One should often bear in mind that whether one likes it or not, he or she is a role model for someone. You don’t have to be a famous personality to be a role model. You already are a role model to members of your family, people at work and friends. So observe your mind and your behavior, because someone will be observing and learning from you.

In one of the oldest cross cultural exchanges of ideas (around 326 BCE), Alexander the Great met with an Indian monk at the banks of the River Indus. Curious with the appearance of this monk, Alexander asked him who he was and what was he doing. The monk asked him the same. Alexander replied, “I am Alexander the Great, and I am out to conquer the world”. The monk responded in amusement because for him conquering the world was a far lesser goal than conquering one’s own negative mental states (fear, anger, jealousy, etc.) and conquering life and death. This left Alexander perplexed as he was presented with an alternate definition of “heroism” than he had previously understood. This is the notion of “heroism” we encounter in our readings from today (a passage from Albert Schweitzer and a verse from Shantideva).

So if we really wish to change the world we must begin with the smallest manageable unit, i.e. our self.

Second Reading:

Prayer of Aspiration

May I be a protector for those without protection,
A guide for travelers – a boat, a bridge, and a ship for those who wish to cross over!
May I be a lamp for those who seek light, a bed for those who seek rest,
May I be a servant for all beings who desire a servant.
To all sentient beings may I be a wish-fulfilling gem, a vase of good fortune,
an efficacious mantra, a great medication, a wish-fulfilling tree, and a wish-granting cow.
Just as earth and other elements are useful in various ways to innumerable sentient
beings dwelling throughout infinite space,
So may I be in various ways a source of life for the sentient beings present throughout
space until they are liberated.

 
-Shantideva, 7th Century Indian Buddhist Pandita

 First Reading:

“I often had to recognize that the need "to do something special" was born of a restless spirit. Such persons wanted to dedicate themselves to larger tasks because those that lay nearest did not satisfy them. Often, too, it was evident that they had been brought to their decisions by quite secondary considerations. Only a person who can find a value in every sort of activity and devote himself to each one with full consciousness of duty, has the inward right to take as his object some extraordinary activity instead of that which falls naturally to his lot. Only a person who feels his preference to be a matter of course, not something out of ordinary, and who has no thought of heroism, but just recognizes a duty undertaken with sober enthusiasm, is capable of becoming a spiritual adventurer such as the world needs. There are no heroes of action: only heroes of renunciation and suffering. Of such there are plenty. But few of them are known, but even these not to the crowd, but to the few.”

--Albert Schweitzer, Out of my Life and Thought

“Transforming Oneself to Transform Others”

~ Tenzin Priyadarshi Shukla, MIT Buddhist Chaplain and Director, Dalai Lama Center for Ethics and Transformative Values

When Bob Randolph asked me to speak on “If I could change one thing about…”, I was reminded of an old story, in which a king of a certain kingdom is disgusted by the fact that every day, he returns from the streets of his kingdom with dirt on his feet. He soon pronounces that the entire ground should be covered in leather. People begin to work on it, and quickly they begin to run out of leather and need to import it from far-off lands. It becomes an expensive and futile project. As it often happens in such stories, a wise man appears in the court and tells the king to try covering his feet in leather, easily solving the king’s problem. Thus shoes are introduced to civilization!

Often times we are overtly focused on changing external things to find satisfaction and happiness. It is easy to do. Change a small TV for a big one, a small house for another one, a car for a preferred updated version, and we don’t even shy away from changing life partners after a time. Three houses, three cars, and two spouses later we still find ourselves dissatisfied and unhappy. The only constant factor in this entire process has been our own delusional mind that we fail to reflect upon. One should begin with a simple query: “When was the last time I upgraded myself?” This is more than acquiring new skill sets. It is about becoming a better version of ourselves than we were in previous days, month and years. In this manner we should upgrade our mind daily by eliminating negativities such as anger, hatred and greed, and by strengthening positive attributes such as kindness, clarity, fearlessness and compassion. Soon the world around us will change because our attitude and perspective on things have evolved courtesy of this new “upgraded” mind.

Our mind informs our thoughts and action including speech, the way in which we communicate. All of this is highly contagious. If you are sad and miserable then people around you will be sad and miserable. If you are genuinely happy then people around will be inspired by that sense of happiness. In this way we quietly inspire and change the people and situations around us. One should often bear in mind that whether one likes it or not, he or she is a role model for someone. You don’t have to be a famous personality to be a role model. You already are a role model to members of your family, people at work and friends. So observe your mind and your behavior, because someone will be observing and learning from you.

In one of the oldest cross cultural exchanges of ideas (around 326 BCE), Alexander the Great met with an Indian monk at the banks of the River Indus. Curious with the appearance of this monk, Alexander asked him who he was and what was he doing. The monk asked him the same. Alexander replied, “I am Alexander the Great, and I am out to conquer the world”. The monk responded in amusement because for him conquering the world was a far lesser goal than conquering one’s own negative mental states (fear, anger, jealousy, etc.) and conquering life and death. This left Alexander perplexed as he was presented with an alternate definition of “heroism” than he had previously understood. This is the notion of “heroism” we encounter in our readings from today (a passage from Albert Schweitzer and a verse from Shantideva).

So if we really wish to change the world we must begin with the smallest manageable unit, i.e. our self.

Second Reading:

Prayer of Aspiration

May I be a protector for those without protection,
A guide for travelers – a boat, a bridge, and a ship for those who wish to cross over!
May I be a lamp for those who seek light, a bed for those who seek rest,
May I be a servant for all beings who desire a servant.
To all sentient beings may I be a wish-fulfilling gem, a vase of good fortune,
an efficacious mantra, a great medication, a wish-fulfilling tree, and a wish-granting cow.
Just as earth and other elements are useful in various ways to innumerable sentient
beings dwelling throughout infinite space,
So may I be in various ways a source of life for the sentient beings present throughout
space until they are liberated.

 
-Shantideva, 7th Century Indian Buddhist Pandita

Shrove Tuesday

For those of you who are liturgically-minded you will know that today is Shrove Tuesday, or the last day before the season of Lent is upon us. Lent is a marked time, that is to say a time set aside to live differently than we do the rest of the year. Historically this has meant giving up for the season specific activities and practices, or forswearing certain foods or habits, all in an effort to make the difference we are striving for tangible and visible to us and to our peers. Lent rolls around every late winter precisely because we have to experience this act of living differently for a spell every year lest we forget how to do it and revert back to just living the same old way all the time. Lent is a way to practice then, a tool for helping us find our true vocations as image bearing creatures.

What does it mean though to be made in the image of God, as we are told we have been in the creation narrative from the Book of Genesis? As Tom Wright tells us in the passage we read, it means that we must reflect the ”creative and redemptive love of God” back into our communities, that we must nurture and sustain growth (of our gardens for sure, but also of people), and that we must live in relationship as our God does with us. Because we are inclined to think in a materialist frame of reference it is easy for us to forget that the creation narrative was written instead from a functionalist frame of reference. So creation is not so much (or perhaps not at all) the making of matter out of non-matter, but rather the establishment of order out of chaos. And to the extent that we are called as image-bearers to also be creators, it seems to me that promoting order out of chaos is then our true vocation. Where we find sorrow, we must plant joy, where we see violence, peace, where we find hate, love. Our world continues to be full of chaos – witness the sad passing of a young man this weekend on our own campus, or in any number of other places near and far. But if we truly live vocationally, bearing the image of our Creator, we can help to overcome that chaos, by cultivating relationships, practicing stewardship, and radiating worship.

To Forgive

First Reading
Philippians 3:13-15 Brothers and Sisters, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that also to you.
Second Reading
A moment of true forgiveness will end a lifetime of pain. Now ask God for assistance in dealing with your past actions and reactions, and it shall be given. Ask God to hold your heart in His hand, and He shall do so. Ask angels to surround you, and know that they will. And with all their assistance and support, take an honest look at how you have reacted to your brother or sister. Ask God for forgiveness, ask your brother or sister for forgiveness, ask yourself for forgiveness, and forgiveness will surround you in its light. - James Blanchard Cisneros, You Have Chosen to Remember: A Journey From Perception to Knowledge, Peace of Mind and Joy


When Bob asked me to speak, the topic he gave was, “If I could change one thing…”
I’ve had a few weeks to think about what I would change, and for awhile it was really difficult for me to come up with something. Now, I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means, but I do try to continually learn from experiences, decisions I have made and people I have met.
Then, about a week or so again, in an almost eerie way, it hit me on what I would change. I want to be able to truly forgive. I mean truly forgive. I’m sure we’ve all had someone in our lives that has let us down – parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, roommates. People that we sincerely care about and expect to be treated the same way we treat them, with honesty, integrity, and loyalty. When those people do something that hurts us or is deceitful, it can be overwhelming and very hard to understand why they’ve done what they’ve done or made the decisions they made. BUT, in order to grow and continue to trust and move on, it is imperative to forgive, this may not mean forget, but it means to forgive with every ounce of your being and energy – every single day.
A teacher once told each of her students to bring a clear plastic bag and a sack of potatoes to school. For every person they refuse to forgive in their life's experience, they chose a potato, wrote on it the name and date, and put it in the plastic bag. Some of their bags were quite heavy. They were then told to carry this bag with them everywhere for one week, putting it beside their bed at night, on the car seat when driving, next to their desk at work. The hassle of lugging this around with them made it clear what a weight they were carrying spiritually, and how they had to pay attention to it all the time to not forget and keep leaving it in embarrassing places. Naturally, the condition of the potatoes deteriorated to a nasty smelly slime.
This was a great metaphor for the price we pay for keeping our pain and heavy negativity. Today, tomorrow and always, I will strive to forgive and I will be a better, “lighter” person because of it.

Stephanie Kloos

Being Intentional in my Personal Life

First Reading:

Modern people usually seek individuality through the severance of restraints and commitments. I've got to be me. I must be true to myself. The more we can be free of parents, children, spouses, duties, the more free we will be to 'be ourselves,' to go with the flow, to lay hold of new and exciting possibilities. So goes the conventional argument.
Yet what if our true selves are made from the materials of our communal life? Where is there some 'self' which has not been communally created. By cutting back our attachments and commitments, the self shrinks rather than grows. So an important gift the church gives us is a far richer range of options, commitments, duties, and troubles than we would have if left to our own devices.

Without Jesus, Peter might have been a good fisherman, perhaps even a very good one. But he would never have gotten anywhere, would never have learned what a coward he really was, what a confused, then confessing, courageous person he was, even a good preacher (Acts 2) when he needed to be. Peter stands out as a true individual, or better, a true character, not because he had become 'free' or 'his own,' but because he had become attached to the Messiah and messianic community, which enabled him to lay hold of his life, to make so much more of his life than if he had been left to his own devices.

~ Stanley Hauerwas, William H. Willimon,
Resident Aliens: Life in the Christian Colony
(Abingdon Press, Nashville, 1989), p. 64,65

Last weekend at my daughter’s request, our family watched the independent Christian film, Courageous. It’s about a group of men, most of whom are police officers, who agree to take their roles as husbands and fathers seriously. They have seen and experienced the many problems caused when men neglect their families, either by physical abandonment or by emotional withdrawal. At a turning point after a tragedy in the family, the main character he says, “I don’t want to coast as a father anymore. I didn’t start well. I want to finish well.”
I’m a husband and a father of four kids, and I identify with the failings of these men from the movie. We are continuing a series this semester here in chapel on the idea, “If there were one thing that I could change…” and this is what I would change: I would be as intentional with my family as I am in my professional life. In my professional life, I plan ahead, setting priorities and securing financial resources for them and releasing people who can lead in those priorities; I daily listen to teammates and students and intercede for them, counsel and coach them in their ministries; I evaluate weekly with my team of staff and provide equipping and resources for them; I spend hours trying to clearly communicate God’s story of redemption and challenge others to find their part in that story. I’m intentional. When I get home, too often, I miss the opportunity eating over dinner or chaeuffering kids to extracurricular activities to attend to how my family is doing—to probe with questions or to relay a memory from my day. Too often I rush through the bedtime routine of brushing the teeth of my younger two children, maybe reading a book to them and tucking them into bed in order to veg out in front of the TV. Too often on the weekends, I consider my own needs for leisure or home improvement needs, rather than playing Legos with Ethan or showing curiosity about Michelle’s week.
As a Christian I do believe that God forgives me for this self-centeredness and poor stewardship. This helps. It’s hard to strive towards what God has called one to when weighed down by guilt and shame. And I have some resolutions that, by God’s grace, I will stick to:
• Keep the TV off on Wednesdays and Fridays, and on those lay down in bed with one of the kids to ask about their day and to pray
• Get the kids fed and ready for school, and drive them to school Mondays and Wednesdays
• Take Michelle out to lunch once per week for a date and have another meeting to plan towards the goals and vision we have for our family,
• Each week, plan a date with one of the kids, doing something they like to do
But another means of God’s grace that I need to tap into was shown in the movie: community. By sharing these failings with a small group of men from my church and my resolutions, I hope to find the encouragement, inspiration, and accountability to keep changing as a husband and father—faithfully living out these roles God has called me to.

Mike Bost
Campus Crusade


Second Reading:

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another – and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

~ Hebrews 10:24-25

On How We See Things

This past Sunday I experienced the sublime and the random nature of the human experience. At morning services a long time friend told me her husband would be transitioning to a full-time care facility. It was something I think they had discussed before making their move to their current address. He has Alzheimers and over the course of the last two years he has become increasingly unconnected. with help, she has cared for him and now his needs are such that the next step must be taken. The decision was planned for but painful. As she put it, the transition will be easier for him than it will be for her. Isn't it ironic that the one who is ill is the one least aware of the progression of this terrible disease?

Later in the afternoon on Sunday, in front of 27 million TV viewers, the place kicker for the Baltimore Ravens entered the pantheon of sport anti-heroes by missing a field goal. He will live with the miscue for the rest of his life and it does not matter that it was just a game. His failure to do something he has done a hundred times without mistake, will be the subject of innumerable "What if" moments.

We know that both of these events are life altering. We know as well that in our hierarchy of value a football game is less important than a medical decision affecting end of life planning.

The other night I presented the new Episcopal chaplain a prism as a symbolic gift at her installation. Through a prism things look different than they do when seen with clear eyes. Decisions and actions such as I have described also look differently through the eyes of religion. Religious traditions that see matters of life and death as significant transitions, the significant transitions, know what is more important. Those that understand religion to be primarily about how one manages ones feelings believe that we deal with life transitions in much the way we deal with a missed field goal.

Here at MIT in the chaplaincy one thing I know for sure is that in living together we have the opportunity for seeing life and life's experiences through a grand prism that is the collective wisdom of the traditions we represent. This prism is quite effective in shaping what we see and how we live. In contrast to the approach that prevails in the realm of science, this is a helpful corrective understanding that a kicker does not simply strike the ball wrongly or a loving spouse does not simply decide for convenience to outsource health care for a aging husband. Our world is more than facts and loss is painful no matter the context.

How to live in the aftermath is now the presenting issue. The notion that we can manage our emotions is important: lower that heart rate, drop the blood pressure, forgive the mistake! But also understand that at the heart of the universe our pain is shared, our grief borne.
"For I, the Lord your God, will hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, "do not fear, I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)

Robert M. Randolph
Chaplain to the Institute

Eugene Chamberlain

Tuesdays in the Chapel
December 13, 2011

First Reading

“The 120 miles of I-44 that I needed to travel, before the freeway peters out south of Lawton, are not very interesting, though I was cheered by the sight of the bumpy Wichita Mountains as I came into Lawton, an army town mostly noted for having been the last home of two nineteenth-century Native American leaders, Geronimo and Quanah Parker. Both were remarkable men, but Quanah managed more remarkable transition. He was, in his youth, a formidable war chief, leading many raids; he was almost killed at the second battle of Adobe Walls—yet he survived, surrendered, and led his people, the Comanches, into a fairly stable relationship with the White government and the twentieth century.

Geronimo, by the time he was housed at Fort Sill, really had very few people—many of the eighteen warriors who had surrendered with him in 1886 had died in captivity. Geronimo survived twenty-three years as a prisoner, nineteen of them at Fort Sill. Though he longed for his native desert and petitioned every white leader he could find to send him back, he was never allowed to return to Arizona. Finally one day he got very drunk, spent a cold night outside, and died of pneumonia. In his last years he and Quanah had formed a friendship—two men who had seen their time, and their people’s time, end.”
Roads Larry McMurtry, p. 46.






The readings for the day are eclectic. I wanted on the one hand to speak about what we do not know about historical figures as a way of illustrating what we also do not know about one another. On the other hand I wanted to speak to the difficulties that are connected to knowing God. In the season of Advent and Christmas we approach Bethlehem with both uncertainty and hope.

In real time we also grieve. My friend Eugene Chamberlain died last Thursday. I was scheduled to visit with him on Friday. He had lived 91 mostly good years; I cannot speak to the recent days. His wife of nearly 60 years had gone before him. He once told me that when he got his new contract from MIT each year he would put the unopened envelop on her pillow so she could open it to see how they would do in the year ahead. The gesture was a window into his way of being. He was a gentle and good man.

When I came to MIT he was nearing the end of a long and storied career and was serving as the Director of the Foreign Student Office. He had previously worked in Admissions. Shortly before he retired, in 1985, he was given the Billard Award for service to the Institute. The exact words are: The annual honor is bestowed on an individual working inside or outside MIT who has performed “special service of outstanding merit” for the Institute.

In about 1982 I woke up one morning to discover I was an Associate Dean of Student Life charged with overseeing the organizing of the Counseling Office. And by the way, they said, the International Student Office will report to you. I was stunned, a relative new comer, I was now in charge of Gene’s world.

He was gracious about it all even as I felt like I was drowning. He did not lend himself easily to supervision. He did things as he had done them for over 30 years. He did not type, was not computer literate, who was?, but he did not think he needed to learn. He communicated in the language of care for students, particularly international students and all over the world there were graduates of MIT who loved him for his kindness.

Love is not too big a word in this case. He had guided and cared for them in a time when MIT felt it was enough to have them here. Letting them come was the norm; care was exceptional and Gene cared. It was not enough to Gene to give them a place at the table, often his table, he thought we ought help them be successful and he did all he could to make that happen.

As my new responsibilities evolved I came to understand who Gene was in his world beyond MIT. In the growing world of international offices at American colleges and universities, Gene was larger than life. He had helped bring into being the National Association of Foreign Student Advisors (NAFSA) and served as its president. Gene was iconic and deservedly so. He did not wear his role on his sleeve, but when International Student Advisors came to MIT for their regular meetings or chance visits, they gave him homage.

If I had one thing to change about the MIT I know today, it would be for us to understand better that everyone of us has a life beyond these walls where we also have standing. And sometimes like Eugene Chamberlain we are outstanding. I was embarrassed to have him report to me; I had too much to learn, but it was his grace and patience that taught me and gave me the opportunity to learn from him.

I wish we had been able to talk on Friday. I would have told him what I had learned from him namely that work done well lives forever when done in the service of others. It is something worth remembering in this season and in all seasons.

Robert M. Randolph
Chaplain to the Institute

Second Reading

A Grace

God, I know nothing, my sense is all nonsense,
And fear of You begins intelligence:
Does it end there? For sexual love, for food,
For books and birch trees I claim gratitude,
But when I grieve over the unripe dead
My grief festers, corrupted into dread,
And I know nothing. Give us our daily bread.

By Donald Hall

If I ...

Tuesday Talk at the Chapel
November 29, 2011


If I could change one thing about …

the way we determine who has something to offer, who is worthy of being visible to us in our lives, I would sprinkle some enlightenment throughout the universe that would move us toward rethinking the checklist or the metrics that shape our view of who is important to know, who is worthy of our graciousness and kindness, who we can learn from, who is deserving of opportunity, who is smart, and who has potential.

How limiting it is for me to value you on the basis of what you wear, or your academic pedigree, or the neighborhood you are from or in, the country of your birth or ancestry, the language you speak or the accent of your words, the job your parents have or the job you have… how limiting it is to deem you worthy of my attention because of the color of your skin or your eyes or your hair, because of your religious affiliation, because of whom you love.

If I choose not to see you because of what I cannot see, what opportunities might I miss? If I dismiss you as irrelevant, or at least non-essential, since you and my checklist appear incongruous, might there be some insight, some enriching experience, some priceless encounter just beyond my grasp?

Now, I am not suggesting that it’s wrong to have standards. My standards help me makes sense of how I am doing in my world; they are related to my values. Sometimes, though, standards can get in the way of forward movement; they can get in the way of openness to exploration and discovery; they can get in the way of just being in the moment. Measuring others, their value or whether they have something to offer, by the standard I’ve invented for myself may just block my blessings.

Judging another by my standards can undermine rather than support the other’s productivity. It then becomes about my agenda, my biases, and does not necessarily reflect the capacity of the other; it does, however, emphasize my limitations.

What might happen if instead of the negative judgment, I could be more open to the perspective, the style, the way of being of the other person? If I really listened to a fresh voice? Perhaps, I would learn something new, or make space for possibilities- even miracles; perhaps, I would provide an opportunity for a mutually beneficial or life enhancing interaction; perhaps with respect instead of judgment, I open the door for the other person to make a contribution or realize that which is great within herself/himself.
If I measure your worth by my checklist, I may miss your beauty, your unique gifts, your gentle spirit, the benefit of knowing the person you will become; I may miss a world of possibilities. I may miss a pivotal moment…the chance to transform or be transformed.

What might happen if I set aside the barriers, the disparities that I have either invented or bought into that distract me from or inhibit my interaction with you? What might I gain? What might you?

What are the possibilities for enrichment, creativity, development, if we shatter the walls we erect to protect ourselves and replace them with more common spaces for uncommon interactions with people who experience life differently, who think differently, or if we substitute the narrow lens through which we may have learned to view fellow humans with a multi- dimensional lens that captures the depth and breadth and complexities of our lives?


A few Sundays ago, I was watching Sunday Morning on CBS, and a young man whose job is that of a server/waiter in a restaurant was talking abut how he feels he and his work are viewed by many who depend on his service. He mentioned the demeaning way customers sometimes treat him, the comment ”why don’t you get a real job” to which he has been subjected, and the disrespect and disregard he has experienced or witnessed in his work. I thought of the many waiters/servers I’ve met, not all wonderful certainly, but most have been extraordinarily kind and caring. They have taken great pride in the quality of service and they have wanted me to have a good experience. From some, I have learned about wines, the art of cake decorating, places I have never been; I have learned about resiliency and determination; and I have walked into a restaurant and been greeted by a waiter with a huge smile and a hug just when I needed one most.
Recently, I met a former marine, a new hire in a local restaurant who had returned not long ago from a tour of duty in Afghanistan. He was so engaging, and I was fascinated by the stories of his life journey, and he is only 22. He said a few things that led me to think that I reminded him of his mom. Long story short…he brought over a napkin on which he had written a list of things to experience…He handed it to me, and told me it was my bucket list…new experiences he thought I would love and would enrich my life. He included things to do with my best friends, because he had listened carefully when I mentioned how important they are in my life.

Oh the possibilities that emerge when we let go of our preconceived notions about who we can learn from, who has something of value to offer.

I must say that I am profoundly grateful for a lesson from my father, who himself was a waiter as a young Black man trying to make his place in a world where, in the 1940’s, he was often invisible or looked upon with disdain. He would say that we should always leave a good tip and not make assumptions about who a person is because of the work he does. Treat a waiter with as much respect as we treat the folks in church, he’d say.

If I could change one thing, I would invite you to bring your checklist by which you judge the value, potential, contributions of others to a very special ceremony where together we light a fire and offer our checklists in exchange for admission into the realm of possibility.

Blanche Staton